Growing Intimacy

The Leela of Aruṇagiri Yogīśvara






I couldn’t wait to meet him the next day

It became late and I went home.
Just visualize yourself when you fall in love for the first time and you are waiting to meet the person again the next day morning… how the clock will just not move! That was exactly the way I was feeling. I was sitting up every ten minutes and seeing the clock. I actually moved the clock needle Myself! I wanted to make it show 4 o’clock, because at 4 o’clock they would open the temple doors. Then I thought, ‘If I move only My clock, how can I make them open the temple?’ So I waited, waited and waited. Around 2:30 – 3 o’clock, I could not handle it any more. I ran and took My bath and did all My pūjā. At 4 o’clock I came and stood in the street for the temple elephant to come to the temple. I ran to the cave where I met him. Usually I would run to the main garbha mandir, the main sanctum sanctorum, and have darśan; only then I would go anywhere else. But today I ran directly to the cave and called him, “Swami! Swami!” and immediately he came out! He came and sat in the usual spot and I was sitting and talking to him.


He becomes the breath of My life

This went on for many days, weeks. In ten or fifteen days, I can say he became just the breath of My life! With more time passing, I got more comfortable with him. I ate with him. I even slept in his lap. Sometimes he would sit and I would lean on him and stretch My leg.


I decide to be integrated to him

Aruṇagiri Yogīśvara is nothing but all My fantasy about how I wanted a Guru to be enjoyed. It personified and became reality! That is Aruṇagiri Yogīśvara! In what best way the Guru should be enjoyed, that personification is Aruṇagiri Yogīśvara.
He is nothing but helping Me to fall in love with My higher personality, who is Aruṇagiri Yogīśvara again! Understand: from outside, he made Me fall in love with him. From inside, he made Me fall in love with him.
There are two types of love: exploiting, sucking love, and chaste love. A chaste love, when it opens, the first thing you will feel towards that person is, ‘I will be integrated to him; what a being!’ The exploiting or sucking love will feel, ‘Ahh, let me possess him and do what I can, get what I can get out of him.’ Chaste love means, the moment you fall in love, it will be: ‘Wow, I have decided, I will be integrated to him from my core.’
That is the first decision I took, when I had darśan of Aruṇagiri Yogīśvara. Wow! Of course, I did not measure or understand him. I knew that he was something that is more than what I expected as ‘possibility’ or whatever I knew as ‘possibility’. The moment I understood that, the first thing that came to me was, ‘I will be integrated to Him!’
Integrity is nothing but falling in love with the higher personality in you, the higher side of you. It is romance with the higher side of you, with the higher possibility of you. I saw Aruṇagiri Yogīśvara as My higher possibility, My higher personality. When I fell in love with him, when I decided to be integrated to him, it just become a flowering of Me! 


Laws of the Lokas

In planet Earth, the laws of public life prevail. In Deva Loka (world of the gods) or Asuraloka (world of the demons), laws of personal life, private life prevail.
In these lokas, the only thing that matters is the understanding between you and Devendra, the understanding between you and Bahubali or Mahabali, whoever is the head of Asuraloka. That’s all that matters in those lokas.
But in Kailasa, no law other than your integrity to the love for Sadāshiva matters. No other law exists.
I was successful in Integrity because I made it very personal. For example, I would think that I had to get up and run because I was going to see Aruṇagiri Yogīśvara! It was such a personal and intimate experience. I became successful in Integrity like that, not any other logical practices. Practice may make you perfect, but not integrated. Cognitive shift makes you integrated. Decision makes you integrated. Declarations are decisions of reminding yourself, ‘Let me burn with Integrity; let me awaken myself to my Integrity. Let the best of me be awakened in me.’ 


Insights from an Upanishadic story

If I have to describe My relationship or what was happening at that time with him, I should tell you this story. In one Upanishad called the Mundaka Upanishad, there is a beautiful story:
On a huge fruit tree, there was a small bird, which used to jump from branch to branch. Sometimes it would eat sweet fruit in the tree and enjoy, because it was so sweet, and sometimes it would eat bitter fruits from other branches and feel pain. On top of that same tree there was a big bird sitting, golden in color, and shining. That big bird neither ate bitter fruit nor ate the sweet fruit. It just sat in peace and silence, in a state of completion. It just radiated its glory.
This small bird which was running between the lower level branches… When it felt bad it would look up and see the big bird and think, ‘See… that bird is so beautiful. He is so graceful that he doesn’t have any pain, any suffering. Why can’t I also become like that?’ Then it would think, ‘Yes, yes, let me go near that bird and become like that bird.’ It would start jumping towards that bird. But on the way, suddenly it would eat some fruit which was very sweet. The moment it ate the sweet fruit it would forget the big bird and it would start eating more fruit till it landed on the bitter fruit again. The moment it ate the bitter fruit, again it would look up and say, ‘I should become like that bird’ and start going towards the big bird!It is like how, only when you have some sort of suffering at home you think of ‘Swamiji’! Otherwise you don’t think of him! This small bird was going to spend all his life like this: jumping here to there; suddenly looking up when it eats the bitter fruit, but when it eats the sweet fruit forgetting the big bird, forgetting everything, just eating these sweet fruits.
Finally one day, by jumping, jumping, jumping, jumping, jumping like this, this small bird had somehow reached very near the big bird – and one fruit which that small bird ate was so bitter that it decided not to look this side and that side again; it locked its mouth and went straight near the big bird. The more he went near, he realized, he is dissolving in the radiance of the big bird. Only when it came close it realized, ‘I am not a separate small bird. I am just the shadow of the big bird.’ He started feeling that he himself was the reflection of that big bird.,In the same way, when you go through life’s struggles and keep moving, you suddenly realise you are not a separate entity; you are a reflection of the incarnation. You are a reflection of the incarnation inside you! The small bird went nearer and nearer – and finally he merged and became one with that big bird!
The big bird is the cosmic enlightened being, paramatma; the small bird is you, the individual soul. The bitter fruit is the incompletions and pains and suffering; the sweet fruit is the ‘once in a while’ small joys, the completions that you experience. When you experience a few sweet things in the life, the kind of fulfillment you get, you forget about paramatma. But when you get the bitter fruit, you immediately remember and look up, here and there, jumping.
Somehow when you really, really eat the most bitter fruit and you decide after that you will never open the mouth again, it means that you will never allow any more incompletions and pains, and will look straight up only at paramatma and move near Him. First you will understand that you are His extension; next you will understand that you are just His shadow; third, you will understand you are just His presence; fourth, you will understand you are Him!
This is the exact relationship I had with Aruṇagiri Yogīśvara! I had such a deep pull towards him like the pull that existed between the two birds. I can say He was My everything, everything. 


I start maintaining ‘My Book’

I used to have a notebook. I remember very clearly, everyday whatever I used to sit and discuss with Aruṇagiri Yogīśvara, I penned down. Whatever spiritual things I read or heard, the essence of it I would write in that notebook, and whenever I had any confusion or necessity to understand, I would read that. I would carry that book with Me always. I used to remind Myself through it. That was like the extension of My heart and brain. I used to call it as ‘My Book’.
My whole relationship with Aruṇagiri Yogīśvara is beautifully described in that book, how I felt with him. If you see the words, you can see the relationship getting mature. All my pratipaksha bhavanas (liberating cognitions) are written in that. So practically, for any negative thought which can come to a human being, I have the solution in that book!
And I very clearly remember that he has even signed once ‘Aruṇagiri Yogīśvara’ on it!
So many things, so many things we used to speak about and share… Sometimes he brought Me food, sometimes rudrakshas. 


His mystical answers to My probing questions!

Everything was going well. I remember him talking to Me about various subjects – Patanjali Yoga Sūtra, Vijñāna Bhairava Tantra, Upanishads – I even remember taking four Upanishad books to him, which were given to Me by Isakki Swamigal; Tamil translation of the four Upanishads. And he opened those books and read out some lines and explained some lines to Me.
I also had the fortune of him directly singing the Devaram of Jnanasambandar to Me! I have heard some of the great songs like the Devaram from his own mouth! I even asked him once, “How do you know all this?” He said in Tamil, “I am here only all the time, na? They are singing all the time here, na? So I am listening and so I know…” These are all the mystical, mischievous answers he gave Me!


A penetrating ‘first initiation’His mystical answers to My probing questions!

“Whether you feel depressed about your body, your mind, and about yourself, or you feel excited, elated about your body, your mind and about you; whether depression or excitement, nothing is YOU. Nothing is YOU.”
When Aruṇagiri Yogīśvara shared these words with Me, the way it entered into My system, the way it became part of My cognition, the way it became part of My reality — from that day, physiological, psychological, neurological ups and downs could never bind Me in any way.
I still remember, he was sitting in this very posture, sukhāsana, having one hand on My shoulder.
I asked Him, “Then what is ‘me’?”
He put the next question, “What do you want to become?”
I was a small boy. I just stretched My chest widely and put both My hands on My hips and said, “SADĀSHIVA!”
Whatever I had heard from the temple lectures, Satsaṅgs (discourses), books… that is what I knew as the Ultimate. So I put both My hands on My hips and looking into both his eyes, I said, “SADĀSHIVA”!
He looked at Me and said – “YOU ARE THAT!”
It was so clear; I can see that it was directly from his third eye to My third eye. There were no questions or doubts after that. He Himself explained, “Your intention is the only living mechanism in you.” Ajna means, ‘your intention only is you’. Your intention, what you want to be, is the only God in you. Your intention is the only living mechanism in you. Other than your intention, everything else is matter in you. Because of this, matter cannot disturb your intention, which is you. So you cannot be controlled or affected by the matter in you.
Meditate. Don’t think it will take a long time to realize this Truth. No. I did not put all of My self-effort and realize this Truth. I got it as a gift. So I commit with you all – I will give it to you all as a gift. Ultimately, I received it as a gift, and because I received it as a gift, I am bound to give it as a gift—that is the way I show gratitude to My Gurus.


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